Why Do We Perceive Sex As So Gross?

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“Why do we perceive sex as so gross? Most people think its gross.”

That is one of the questions I received last week from one of my students anonymously on a 3×5 card. Last week we talked about myths and lies about sex from culture. Ironically enough we will be addressing the question this week when we talk about myths and lies about sex from the church. It is actually the third on my list of church myths under the title of, “Bodies and sex are gross, dirty, or just plain unimportant.” However, if we’re being fair the lie of sex being gross is perpetuated by both the church and culture at large (I feel I should clarify that when I refer to the church in this case I’m referring to the Christian subculture as a whole in America. It’s not just a generalization of local church bodies but also Christian pop-culture of books, movies, and bible study curriculum).

I believe the reason why so many, probably not a majority, but a sizable amount of people, thinks sex is gross is because of the fear tactics meant to discourage us from having sex when we’re young. One of the buzzwords of our sex talk is ‘formational’. There are so many aspects of our culture that is formative in how we think about our bodies and sex. Given some of the messages we receive early on about sex from what is said and also what isn’t said has a way of teaching us that sex is gross.

Given how sex saturated the culture at large is some I assume many disagree that it actually uses fear tactics to scare us out of having sex when we’re young. I would point out that most of my students were apprehensive about having a sex talk to begin with because the sex talk they would have gotten at school was extremely awkward. Think back to the sex-Ed portion of your middle and high school health class curriculum. If you remember nothing else you probably recall being shown pictures of genitalia with rashes or worse due to sexually transmitted diseases, and video clips of a childbirth. Why would our culture, which tends to be fairly reckless with their depiction of sex on the opposite end of the spectrum use fear tactics to discourage young people from having sex? Above all else our American Western culture values individual autonomy. One sure fire way to threaten your autonomy before you even reach adulthood is to get pregnant, get someone pregnant, or get an STD. More to the heart of the issue if any of those things happen before you reach adulthood you’ve sent a shot across the bow of your parent or guardian’s autonomy (and their insurance premium). So if scaring you doesn’t work they’ll gladly teach and instruct you in the proper use of birth control and contraceptives. Also I think we would be amiss if we didn’t give some credit to the pervasiveness of hardcore porn to the belief that sex is gross. Most pornography is completely and utterly dehumanizing.

As for the church its uses fear tactics to try and scare you into obedience to God. Often the unintended overwhelming message from the church in regards to sex is that it is not allowed. Well that is until you get married. In the church premarital sin is treated like the unforgivable sin. I’ve read books and heard talks from Christian sources that would have you convinced that if you have premarital sex, you’ll be haunted by ghosts of your sexual past for the rest of your life, that you are used and soiled goods. Whereas the Bible teaches that purity is as much about sex as it is how we treat widows, orphans, and foreigners, the church has created an entire market around sex being the be all end all of purity from purity rings to the “True Love Waits” campaign. One of the most egregious examples of the church using fear tactics about sex, is Kay Arthur’s book The Truth About Sex where she likens sex to a can of Drano. That’s right, she likens sex to a toxic cleaning chemical engineered to clear out a clogged bog. She highlights the cautions and warning labels where it says “May be fatal or cause permanent damage if swallowed. Causes severe burns to eyes and skin.” I get what she’s trying to communicate. Being reckless with you sex life and misusing sex can put you at risk. However, what are the chances that a few teenagers hearing or reading that illustration is ever going to want to have sex even when they get married? In extreme cases they’ll only ever want to have sex in order to procreate or occasionally begrudgingly appease their spouse.

It is likely that both the culture and the church is to blame for why so many parents feel inept to talk to their kids about sex. Sex either becomes part of a child’s null-curriculum leading to curiosity suspicion and at time the assumption that it is wrong to talk about. Some parents feel awkward using technical terms when talking about sex and create code words for body parts and intercourse. Not only does this have the possibility of teaching kids at an early age that sex is always naughty, but it could have even more devastating consequences. I spoke with a psychologist once who told me they and many of their colleagues were witness to failed child abuse cases because the defense attorney seized on the fact that the child referred to their body parts with code words they learned from parents like “flower” and “butterfly” instead of an anatomically correct term.

At the end of the day the fear tactics from both camps fail because sex is good. Sex is designed for us, and in our sinful brokenness we have turned it into something it is not. Despite all the ridiculous illustrations and disgusting pictures of STDs people keep having sex because sex is a tremendous gift that God has given to his image bearers to experience the peak of companionship and oneness. And as with any great gift some people just can’t wait to open it. As with any great gift it can be misused and abused. None of that changes the fact that it is good.

 

Four Strategies For Being Chaste

If we are truly to have a gospel centered conversation on sex and bodies with adolescents then we must encourage and equip young people with strategies for how to live chastely going forward. It’s not enough for them to be talked to about it. Ultimately we want them to be about it. Many Christ Followers know and want to do what is right in regards to sex, but have no strategy that helps them remain chaste for the long haul, and thus their resolve is eroded over time. The following is four strategies for practicing chastity.

Be Chaste in Community With Others: Isolating yourself will only make the familiar slogan, “Everybody is doing it” seem all the more true. Christ Followers need to be committed to one another and live life with one another in a way that encourages each one to live the new life to which they’ve been called. Whether it is a small group or accountability group we need to find people we can trust and feel safe with the details of our sex lives and the decision and boundaries we’ve chosen. Personally some of the greatest encouragement I received to remain chaste in my early twenties was from people who were decidedly not chaste and practicing just the opposite. Accountability groups need to have an emphasis on humility and sanctity. Too often accountability has a way of becoming a performance stable where we become full of pride or shame depending on how we measure up others in the group. Humility because ultimately our sexuality is about being restored humanity due to the life death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Sanctity because none of us are perfect and moments of rebellion don’t have to become patterns of rebellious behavior.

  • Encouragement to live chastely
  • Support to live chastely
  • Full disclosure
  • Humility and Sanctity versus Pride and Shame

Be Decidedly Stubborn: Deciding to be chaste is virtually meaningless without making decisions about boundaries for our self and others when it comes to sexual behavior. Boundaries need to be established before a choice has to be made. You don’t want to find yourself in a potentially compromising situation that forces you to have to create a boundary, you need to have the boundary already in place which leads to the next strategy point…

Seek Wisdom: Biblical wisdom places a large emphasis on what the heart is set on, or what it treasures. It would be wise to know your heart and to not underestimate the power of your fleshly desires, because as stated earlier internal pressure is often greater than peer pressure. Secondly, Biblical wisdom emphasizes avoiding situations and scenarios where you may be tempted to compromise your boundaries. Lastly, Biblical wisdom emphasizes having fleeing from situations and scenarios where you might be compromised.

  • Know your heart and your flesh for “you are your greatest enemy”
  • Don’t put yourself in compromising situations
  • Have an exit strategy; think through “what would you do if?” scenarios, so that you can be prepared to do what is right and wise.

Abide In Christ: Ultimately a gospel-centered conversation on sex and bodies is not so much about sex and bodies as it is about being raised with Christ to new life. The new life that we have been raised to and reborn in is not a life that we have to wait for some moment in the future to experience. It is a life that we can begin experiencing now as a foretaste of what is to come. If there is no desire for Christ, no love for Christ, and no practice of Christ, then efforts t be chaste are utterly in vain.

  • Take off the old self (Colossians 3.5)
  • Put on the new self (Colossians 3.10)
  • Practice Christian disciplines
    • Confession and repentance: chastity is not a “pass fail” endeavor, it is a forward calling no matter what has happened in the past.
    • Preach the gospel to yourself regularly so that you can be reminded the truth about sex and bodies, and thus counter the false messages we hear everywhere else.