Creating a Pro-Sex Home

Now that the title of this article has gotten your attention let me explain to you what I mean by pro-sex. Is your home a place that promotes healthy sexual lives? No one needs me to give examples of how sexualized our culture has become in America. No one needs me to tell them that the vast majority of sexuality depicted in the media is not consistent with the Christian story of sex. Very rarely are the depictions of sex and sexuality of a married man and woman, and when it is it’s typically a depiction of them not having the time or energy to do it. Add that to a formula of mom and dad only talking about sex when the onset of adolescence forces their hand, what you end up with is a message of “good sex only happens outside of God’s good design”. What we risk happening is that you have many Christians who live obedient lives to God in reference to their sexual lives and yet struggle accepting the reality that they are sexual creatures.

There’s no telling whether or not our society will continue to become more and more sexualized in the coming decades. Though most say things will only get worse we tend to forget that things go in cycles and that our society could experience a retreat from its current hyper-sexual state. Either way children should be raised in homes where they are encouraged to think positively of sex. They need to feel comfortable talking to mom and dad about things related to sex because mom and dad don’t treat it as a taboo matter, moreover because they are aware that mom and dad have actually done it not just to have children. Children need to be prepared to transition into being creatures with a sexual nature without a sense of being grossed out and or ashamed. By sexual creature I don’t just mean a creature that has intercourse, rather I mean creatures with a body that will have an array of things going on inside of it from, facial hair, changing voices, breast development, erections, menstruation, nocturnal emissions to carrying a baby, and sexual intercourse. But even more importantly teenagers need to be prepared to transition into becoming creatures with a growing desire for intimacy of which sex is one component. Even as I typed all of those indicators of a sexually developing man and woman my red flag went up, but why is that? For some reason those things have a certain amount of shame that has been associated with them that if not normalized possibly get in the way of experiencing real intimacy down the road. In reality most if not all those things were a part of Adam and Eve’s nakedness in the garden of which scripture says, “and they were not ashamed”.

I hate to define things by stating what they aren’t, but here is a couple of things that I believe do not promote sex properly. If you are doing these things then your home may not be pro-sex.

  1. The only conversations about sex are quick negative disdainful commentary in response to cultural depictions of sex and sexuality: Instead, when age appropriate from time to time use TV, movies, music, and commercials as an opportunity to constructively critique the message of the story of sex in that piece of media to God’s story of sex.
  2. The only lengthy conversation about sex involves taking the boy on a father son camping trip or taking the daughter out for a girl’s weekend with mom: The first in depth conversation about sex should be had very early on using age appropriate material around middle to late elementary age of 3rd to fifth grade.
  3. Conversations about sex become an awkward dance around trying to figure out what terminology to use for anatomy and fluids because all of it just seems ‘dirty’: Using the technical textbook terminology is often the best way to go and to say it without hesitating helps the conversation feel more natural and less awkward.
  4. Little to no physical intimacy is ever witnessed between mom and dad, which would lead kids to wonder if mom and dad actually find one another physically attractive: Hold hands, snuggle or cuddle up on the couch, exchange a kiss or even flirt with one another a little bit, in view of the kids. Doesn’t have to be all the time, but enough for kids to see that intimacy can be had within a marriage because the vast majority of cultural depictions convey the opposite.

I’m well aware that this is a controversial topic and my frankness in some sections may be concerning coupled with a lack of any positive examples of what I’m trying to encourage. So here is my one golden nugget of wisdom to guide you into creating a pro-sex home. Watch the Cosby Show. That’s right Cliff and Claire Huxstable. I don’t watch tons TV sitcoms, but they nailed it on that show in terms of depicting a pro-sex house. They weren’t over the top in expressing their affection for one another, but it was clear that they loved each other “like that”. They both had careers and responsibilities in and around the home that created stress and ate away at their time. The show rarely ever depicted them in bed together but you knew that they were still intimate.  More than anything teenagers that are starting to develop a desire for intimacy want to know that real intimacy is possible in the home within the confines of marriage.

Author: Token Confessions

Perpetual Seekers of Solidarity with God through sharing in the life death and resurrection of Jesus The Christ Pastors and Communicator Shepherd Business Owners Coffee Lovers, Snobs, and Roaster Sports fan but too rational to be a fanatic Sons, Brothers, Friends, Husbands, and Fathers

3 thoughts on “Creating a Pro-Sex Home”

  1. Good topic Ced. I think the church is really lacking in the sexuality department; usually by avoiding the topic altogether or putting the taboo label on it. Like you said, sex is just one aspect of intimacy, something so vital in a relationship, yet you cannot be truly intimate without sex either. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of; in fact it should be celebrated by the church, but for the proper reasons, of course. I think there is a perception that sex in a christian household is only for the means of procreation, giving it a mundane and emotionless (thus unexciting) stigma, not only from public perception, but as a belief in the christian culture as well. It’s almost like if it is fun, it is sinful. I say, bump that! Have a blast! Why must there be so much reverence when it comes to sex between married believers? The more fun you have, the more you want.

    Sorry, am I getting too gross?

    Anyway, +1 on the Cosby Show nailing the parental intimacy. Actually, they showed them in bed a lot (not sexually), usually being interrupted by one of their kids, but often ending in that hint of sexual intimacy to end the show as they turn the lights out. I think parental PDA, albeit embarrassing as a teenager, leaves lasting impressions on the children that counterbalances the awful media depiction of the husband/wife dynamic.

    I have a question for you. How do you, as a youth pastor, approach the subject of sex to your group? It must be tough because you do not want to cross any lines the parents may have, but you would want to be honest in your responses. Do you ask the parents individually? Do you have a “lesson plan” you let them sign off on?

    1. At first doing a sex talk with the students was a little intimidating at first because we do have a fairly diverse group in regards to denominational heritage and a pretty even mix between public school, private Christian school, and homeschool students. The more often I’ve done it (now three times as of this past spring) the more comfortable I’ve become teaching and facilitating a discussion on the matter.

      My approach is somewhat different than what I remember us experiencing which pretty much amounted to what I refer to as “stop no and don’t!” passages of the New Testament, and a over emphasis on maintaining the status of ‘virgin’. I give mine in Three parts.

      Part 1 is an overview of Bodies and Sex. I begin in Genesis with the creation and Fall narratives to give an overview of what God says about the human body, and how the Fall has led us to try to justify ourselves with our bodies instead of simply living in our bodies, thus setting up for why God says what he has to say about sex. I then give them a definition of sex based out of what is happening chemically in the brain beyond bodies joining (dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin).

      Part 2 covers Lies/Myths from Culture and from Church.

      Part 3 covers FAQs or what does God say about… Porn, masturbation and “How far is too far?”

      Before giving the talk I cover all the information with the parents in a seminar (with Q&A afterwards) a month before I give it to the students. It’s open to parents of children of all ages. I encourage the parents of younger children to begin having age appropriate conversations early so that they can handle the more mature conversations later. The youth group sex talk shouldn’t be the first one they get.

      With the kids I do a three weeks series, give them 3×5 cards to ask questions, and do small group discussion after each session.

    2. I’ve gotten really good feedback from students and parents, as I give out evaluation forms to both. The parents appreciate that I deliver the information very level headed without an alarmist approach. The students have walked away having gained a better self body image.

      About 90% of my ‘sex talk’ curriculum is based out of two books. Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity by Lauren Winner and Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children by Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr., MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD. I hand out free copies of the books to the first 30 or so parents who come to the parents seminar.

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