Now that the title of this article has gotten your attention let me explain to you what I mean by pro-sex. Is your home a place that promotes healthy sexual lives? No one needs me to give examples of how sexualized our culture has become in America. No one needs me to tell them that the vast majority of sexuality depicted in the media is not consistent with the Christian story of sex. Very rarely are the depictions of sex and sexuality of a married man and woman, and when it is it’s typically a depiction of them not having the time or energy to do it. Add that to a formula of mom and dad only talking about sex when the onset of adolescence forces their hand, what you end up with is a message of “good sex only happens outside of God’s good design”. What we risk happening is that you have many Christians who live obedient lives to God in reference to their sexual lives and yet struggle accepting the reality that they are sexual creatures.
There’s no telling whether or not our society will continue to become more and more sexualized in the coming decades. Though most say things will only get worse we tend to forget that things go in cycles and that our society could experience a retreat from its current hyper-sexual state. Either way children should be raised in homes where they are encouraged to think positively of sex. They need to feel comfortable talking to mom and dad about things related to sex because mom and dad don’t treat it as a taboo matter, moreover because they are aware that mom and dad have actually done it not just to have children. Children need to be prepared to transition into being creatures with a sexual nature without a sense of being grossed out and or ashamed. By sexual creature I don’t just mean a creature that has intercourse, rather I mean creatures with a body that will have an array of things going on inside of it from, facial hair, changing voices, breast development, erections, menstruation, nocturnal emissions to carrying a baby, and sexual intercourse. But even more importantly teenagers need to be prepared to transition into becoming creatures with a growing desire for intimacy of which sex is one component. Even as I typed all of those indicators of a sexually developing man and woman my red flag went up, but why is that? For some reason those things have a certain amount of shame that has been associated with them that if not normalized possibly get in the way of experiencing real intimacy down the road. In reality most if not all those things were a part of Adam and Eve’s nakedness in the garden of which scripture says, “and they were not ashamed”.
I hate to define things by stating what they aren’t, but here is a couple of things that I believe do not promote sex properly. If you are doing these things then your home may not be pro-sex.
- The only conversations about sex are quick negative disdainful commentary in response to cultural depictions of sex and sexuality: Instead, when age appropriate from time to time use TV, movies, music, and commercials as an opportunity to constructively critique the message of the story of sex in that piece of media to God’s story of sex.
- The only lengthy conversation about sex involves taking the boy on a father son camping trip or taking the daughter out for a girl’s weekend with mom: The first in depth conversation about sex should be had very early on using age appropriate material around middle to late elementary age of 3rd to fifth grade.
- Conversations about sex become an awkward dance around trying to figure out what terminology to use for anatomy and fluids because all of it just seems ‘dirty’: Using the technical textbook terminology is often the best way to go and to say it without hesitating helps the conversation feel more natural and less awkward.
- Little to no physical intimacy is ever witnessed between mom and dad, which would lead kids to wonder if mom and dad actually find one another physically attractive: Hold hands, snuggle or cuddle up on the couch, exchange a kiss or even flirt with one another a little bit, in view of the kids. Doesn’t have to be all the time, but enough for kids to see that intimacy can be had within a marriage because the vast majority of cultural depictions convey the opposite.
I’m well aware that this is a controversial topic and my frankness in some sections may be concerning coupled with a lack of any positive examples of what I’m trying to encourage. So here is my one golden nugget of wisdom to guide you into creating a pro-sex home. Watch the Cosby Show. That’s right Cliff and Claire Huxstable. I don’t watch tons TV sitcoms, but they nailed it on that show in terms of depicting a pro-sex house. They weren’t over the top in expressing their affection for one another, but it was clear that they loved each other “like that”. They both had careers and responsibilities in and around the home that created stress and ate away at their time. The show rarely ever depicted them in bed together but you knew that they were still intimate. More than anything teenagers that are starting to develop a desire for intimacy want to know that real intimacy is possible in the home within the confines of marriage.